I'm not an athlete. I'm a professional baseball player. John Kruk

• sports
• funny
• amusing

Never ask a barber if you need a haircut. Warren Buffett

• funny
• amusing

If I had two faces, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln

• funny
• amusing

What if there were no hypothetical situations? John Mendoza

• funny
• amusing

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers

• funny
• amusing
• exercise

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller

• marriage
• funny
• amusing
• advice

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. Will Rogers

• funny
• amusing

Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag. Jay Leno

• funny
• amusing
• taxes