Quotes on Funny

I'm a controversial figure. My friends either dislike me or hate me. Oscar Levant Quote Details

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Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness? Artemus Ward Quote Details

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I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. Will Rogers Quote Details

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Dear Sirs, I guess your pianos are the best I ever leaned against. Yours truly, Will Rogers. Will Rogers Quote Details

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My Dear President:

Will you kindly find out for me through our Intelligence Department who is the fellow that said a big boat didn't rock. Hold him till I return.

Yours feeble but still devotedly,

WILLROG

That's code name for Will Rogers
Will Rogers Quote Details

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What makes you think I'd be happy about that? Ronald Wilson Reagan Quote Details

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Government is like a baby - an alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. Ronald Wilson Reagan Quote Details

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If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. Hal Abelson Quote Details

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Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein Quote Details

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When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it. Yogi Berra Quote Details

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Don't be so humble, you're not that great. Golda Meir Quote Details

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I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don't understand. Sir Edward Appleton Quote Details

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Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to. Mark Twain Quote Details

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I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. Ronald Wilson Reagan Quote Details

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In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language. Mark Twain Quote Details

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Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. Henry Kissinger Quote Details

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Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Mark Twain Quote Details

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Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. Timothy Leary Quote Details

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Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts. Dan Quayle Quote Details

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I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change. Dan Quayle Quote Details

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We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe. Dan Quayle Quote Details

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The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'. Larry Hardiman Quote Details

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There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright Quote Details

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Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. Mark Twain Quote Details

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Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. Wendell Johnson Quote Details

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I'm not an athlete. I'm a professional baseball player. John Kruk Quote Details

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I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound - if I can remember any of the damn things. Dorothy Parker Quote Details

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Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Ernest Hemingway Quote Details

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Flattery is like cologne water - to be smelt of, not swallowed. Josh Billings Quote Details

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No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as a dog does. If you chat with him a while, gradually building up the argument and the intonation, he relishes it so that he will roll all around the floor, lie on his back kicking and groaning with joyous worship. Very few wives are so affected. Christopher Morley Quote Details

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I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. Dave Barry Quote Details

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People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. David Comins Quote Details

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Never ask a barber if you need a haircut. Warren Buffett Quote Details

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If I had two faces, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln Quote Details

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What if there were no hypothetical situations? John Mendoza Quote Details

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If you can't imitate him, don't copy him. Yogi Berra Quote Details

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It gets late early out there. Yogi Berra Quote Details

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You've got to be careful if you don't know where you're going because you might not get there. Yogi Berra Quote Details

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Ninety percent of this game is half mental. Yogi Berra Quote Details

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I really didn't say everything I said. Yogi Berra Quote Details

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We made too many wrong mistakes. Yogi Berra Quote Details

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Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded. Yogi Berra Quote Details

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Pair up in threes. Yogi Berra Quote Details

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The future ain't what it used to be. Yogi Berra Quote Details

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It's deja vu all over again. Yogi Berra Quote Details

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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. Mitch Hedberg Quote Details

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. Mitch Hedberg Quote Details

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Welcome to The Lou Holtz Show. Unfortunately, I'm Lou Holtz. Lou Holtz Quote Details

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A hypocrite is somebody who complains about sex, nudity, and violence on the VCR. Lou Holtz Quote Details

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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers Quote Details

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Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. Kin Hubbard Quote Details

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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller Quote Details

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Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. Will Rogers Quote Details

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Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag. Jay Leno Quote Details

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As a general rule, wherever you find a large group of people who are baffled by complexity, you will find a smaller group of people making a good living screwing them. Scott Adams Quote Details

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We got plenty of money in Washington. What we need is more priority. George W. Bush Quote Details

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The true strength of America happens when a neighbor loves a neighbor just like they'd like to be loved themselves. George W. Bush Quote Details

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I don't particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it. George W. Bush Quote Details

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We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself. George W. Bush Quote Details

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Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas. Paula Poundstone Quote Details

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Samson killed a thousand men with the jaw bone of an ass. That many sales are killed every day with the same weapon. Anonymous Quote Details

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You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. Franklin P. Jones Quote Details

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The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets. Will Rogers Quote Details

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Why was I born with such contemporaries? Oscar Wilde Quote Details

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When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it. Scott Adams Quote Details

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A man who tries to carry a cat home by its tail will learn a lesson that can be learned in no other way. Mark Twain Quote Details

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I'm right, and you're smart, and sooner or later you'll see I'm right. Charlie Munger Quote Details

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If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? Scott Adams Quote Details

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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. Steve Landesberg Quote Details

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A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. H. L. Mencken Quote Details

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The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected. Will Rogers Quote Details

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I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. Robert McCloskey Quote Details

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Our choice of clothes can influence how people treat us. That's a view that every living human agrees upon. Most of us act upon that belief once or twice a day. When I get dressed, the first two questions I ask myself are 1) "Who is going to see me?" and 2) "What do I want them to think of me?" You probably do the same thing. If not, there's something deeply wrong with you, or possibly you're an engineer. Scott Adams Quote Details

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Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that. George Carlin Quote Details

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When I said I was going to become a comedian, they all laughed. Well, they're not laughing now, are they? Bob Monkhouse Quote Details

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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. Emo Phillips Quote Details

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